2026-05-22 why am i here
Today was the last day of school for my school district, and now that summer’s started in earnest there’s only one feeling that goes through my mind. Well, I’ve been feeling this way since a few months ago, but only moreso now. I’m fucked.
Objectively I’m a good student; I’ve gone for what is essentially the “max rigor” you would say at any usual high school. I’ve only taken honors classes ever, and I’ve only taken APs where they were available. In these classes, I’ve done pretty well; I’ve got the maximum GPA tier for most of them and the few semesters I missed were either a second tier or in 2 cases a third tier. Everyone says this is great! I’m headed off to a great university and my performance is that of a top tier student. Don’t even worry!
Unfortunately, I’m in what is one of the most competitive high school clusters in the state of Texas. I’m literally so close to just giving up. The only feeling that registers in me is exhaustion.
Shut up! Stop complaining! is what my friends say when I talk about this stuff. You’re doing better than me, they say (they’re not, they’re literally doing better.) I honestly don’t know if they’ll ever get how I feel about it. The only thing that’s been drummed into our collective souls as first generation Asian Americans is go to a good school. If you get into a good school by excelling in your studies, then your life will open up for you; that’s how it worked for our parents in Asia, and it’s how they got here. Surely the same must apply here, or at least very similar.
All I can say to that is this; in today’s world, good schools are the bare minimum, and even those who get in those are struggling with finding employment long-term. Even if they’re for the “right” majors; ie. not CS or liberal arts but something like ECE or whatever, there’s still a large proportion of new grads who are nonetheless forced to shoulder their debts without meaningful long-term and appropriate employment for their level of expertise. Entry-level jobs requiring years of experience, thousands of internship applications without landing a single one… this is just a fraction of what America’s best students are now subject to.
So now, all this being said… I’ve lost for myself any chance of even landing in this. Not only am I not the best at my competitive high school, but even the best won’t be doing great. What decides the next few decades will be luck. I for one don’t think I’ll be waiting around for that to happen.
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